Building a Business and a Life Free of the Nagging Feelings of Failure

Image Credit: Death to Stock

As I approach the end of 2021, I’ve been reflecting on the past couple years and how chaotic they’ve felt. I’m a business owner, mother, wife, daughter, friend, creative, homeowner and self-care advocate, so I have many regular tasks to ensure most aspects of my life run as smoothly as possible. Because there is always something to do, prioritizing is key. Prioritizing is helpful in managing day-to-day tasks, but can often feel discouraging, as it means many things get put on the back burner for another day. And when things on the back burner keep piling up over time, feelings of failure tend to creep in. I recall many days over the past year when I’ve been caught up in feelings of failure and frustration that I’m not closer to where I want to be in my business, relationships, housekeeping and maintenance, etc. And as a woman with a child and a home in America, I have even felt embarrassed for not having a Insta-worthy home and life.

Taking a step back, I’ve been asking myself where these feelings are even coming from because I know deep down they’re BS. I was able to piece things together in a way that gave me motivation and hope, so I want to share with you what I think is the best way to beat these pesky feelings of failure.

Avoiding feelings of failure is possible with a shift of perspective.

I often joke about how I’m attempting to have it all; A business, a family, a home, and meaningful relationships and experiences. I’ve read many articles about the “do it all to have it all” approach to life and most people believe the best approach is more of a trifecta in which you can only have two of three things, typically generalized as a fulfilling career, a family, and meaningful experiences. When I say meaningful experiences, I mean the ones that take a lot of savings and travel, aka the once-in-a-lifetime vacations. But these arguments never fully sat well with me. I was still left wondering why you can’t have them all.

Writing this out now I’m realizing that I already knew the answer when I questioned these perspectives. I’m often called a slow person. I’m a slow eater, I’m slow getting places, and I’m slow to complete most tasks. I like to favor quality over quantity and I use my time to really think about what I’m doing to make sure my time is well-spent. I’m a huge fan of the concept of slow living (even though it often feels unattainable). It is my “slow and steady wins the race” mentality that has allowed me to see that “having it all” is actually possible, just not RIGHT THIS INSTANT. This is where the feelings of failure creep in. Our need for instant gratification has made us feel inadequate in a given moment, like we should be where this person on Instagram is, even if they started years before you. (Please note that I’m putting “have it all” in quotes because everyone’s definition can be completely different and it’s a nebulous expression and not really an attainable goal.)

Thinking you can “have it all” in an instant is a symptom of our addiction to technology and social media. While excellent tools for staying connected to each other, we also use social media to compare ourselves to others and gauge our worth within society. As a business, this can be helpful for measuring marketing success, but as an individual, I’d argue this is always harmful to our mental health. I enjoy following many creatives on Instagram to gather inspiration for my own projects. But it’s a challenge not to compare myself to others who have been in the business longer, have more followers or get more likes on their posts. Social media is designed to make our brains fire up when we see these numbers so we engage more and more. I’ve found the more I engage, the larger my feelings of failure, so I’ve had to limit my time on these apps.

It’s not failure I was feeling. It was the feelings associated with building something.

I’ve come to realize that every time I feel failure, it’s actually the uncomfortable feelings that come with building something. Every time I feel like I’m failing, I’ve been training myself to stop and think about everything I’ve built over the last year. Day by day, I’ve rebuilt my business from the wreckage of 2020. Even though there’s plenty left to do, I’ve slowly but surely turned a house into a home filled with love and comfort. And even though I haven’t traveled to exotic places, I’ve spent quality time with the people that matter the most to me.

The magic ingredient to “having it all” is TIME. You can have it all and more! You just have to be patient and keep showing up and putting effort into the things that matter most in your life.

Feelings of failure happen when there are expectations of when and to what degree a goal should be achieved. Not meeting a deadline could certainly cause feelings of failure, but for the arbitrary personal goals we set for ourselves, there are no deadlines and we often have no idea when we can reasonably reach these goals. Comparing your progress against another’s only increases these feelings, even though we’re only seeing the final result of someone else’s work, not the time and effort it took to get there. I’d also argue that the less grateful we feel towards what we have already accomplished also increases feelings of failure and creates fear-based motivation that reduces the quality of our future efforts.

I’m certainly not arguing that one should always enjoy the process. The process is often messy with many starts and stops, which is where most of our failure is felt. But it’s comforting to know that no matter how quickly you make progress, you’re always working towards something as long as you keep showing up. I’m moving into 2022 with this clarity and the goal to do my best to appreciate the progress I’ve made and to continue my very important work towards having it all. 😉